It was late in the evening as Dung described the violent enemy that was about to take over our house. There were many troops nearing the front fence. They outnumbered us and their weapons were superior to ours. There was a great sense of urgency and need to act quickly in order to survive. We had to come up with a plan. Dung organized our thoughts into action. We all sat in a circle in the attic creating the plan as we went along. Dung had described our successful destruction of their tanks with the massive traps that we had prepared. Our traps were massive holes dug out of the ground and disguised under foliage. We were successful in hindering the enemy with these traps, but there were more enemy soldiers approaching. As we realized our first successful operation, we were further inspired to contribute to the game plan. Panning across our little circle, I could sense everyone's eagerness for more details from Dung. They were also overflowing with their own ideas to accompany Dung's. Thu-Thuy suggested that we start to head off the enemy at the fence. Dung agreed with this and he expanded his thoughts. He suggested that Linh and I hide on the branches edging the tall brick fence and strike the enemy by surprise as they came near. Our sling shots were no match for their guns but our strategic positioning and timing allowed us to destroy some of the incoming bad guys. Back at the circle, the success was rewarded with a treat. Green mangoes sliced into bite-sized pieces were dipped in sugared fish sauce and savored. These were mouth-watering snacks which tasted sour, sweet and salty, all at the same time. The snacks fueled our minds for more creative approaches toward our mission. Thanh-Thuy also wanted to join the efforts, so Dung suggested that she climb the tall coconut trees and bomb the enemies with coconuts. Her execution was flawless and we were successful at deterring the enemy. They withdrew after facing our arsenal. The battle for that night brought all five of us children together as a team. We felt invincible because our team had been undefeated. The strength of the team spirit was only limited by our imaginations. As I looked into each and every one of my brothers' and sisters' faces, I could see their conviction, even though the stories were purely fictional. Our strong imaginations allowed us to create powerful images. We all shared the same battle although I could see that it was very different for each of us. Dung, the oldest, was thirteen and had the most vivid descriptions. He was the main storyteller. His memories of the war in 1968 instilled in him a real sense of the enemy. For him it was the North Vietnamese in their military uniforms with guns supplied from the Russians. It was a matter of live and death, us or them. This survival instinct allowed Dung to describe stories with great intensity and realism. My older sister Thu-Thuy was twelve years old and was very creative with plots and plans which supplemented the stories. She loved reading fiction novels and comic strips which filled her imagination with wild ideas. Linh, who was eleven, loved toy weapons and periodically suggested his repertoire of weapons in fighting against the enemy. Thanh-Thuy and I were the youngest, she was nine and I was seven years old. We joined the game helping to create the strategic plan. Our views of the enemy were not of soldiers, but more like thieves who were about to rob our house. In our minds, these were bad guys, but our innocence did not enable us to create such evil characters as those in the minds of our older siblings.
This ritual went on for months. We anticipated getting together nightly as new stories were told about our fight for survival. The scenery changed from night to night as our house turned into a mansion and then into castles, but the premise was the same. We were going to be taken over by the enemy and it was up to us to fight for survival. Dung had no problems creating bad guys. Words just flowed out of his mouth effortlessly. It seemed as if he knew these enemies personally and that these experiences had just happened to him yesterday. These colorful images we painted in our minds were our way of dealing with all the activities surrounding our everyday lives. We had our own little world which no adults could enter nor understand. It was this will to survive and to stick together which helped us face what was going to be the most turbulent time of our lives.
One morning after a late night of story adventures in the attic, I was waking up to a weekend morning. I could hear all my brothers and sisters downstairs. My sisters' voices echoed upstairs in a rhythmic chant as they played a game of jump rope. The jump rope was made out of interwoven red rubber bands and it tapped against the hard floor. This repetitive noise played in my head while I was in a subconscious state. I knew that I was not dreaming but my body had not fully awaken yet. The laughter of Dung's voice urged me to wake up and join the fun. I was unable to move even with all my might. Some how, all the energy in my body seemed to have left me. I then heard a growling sound which emanated within myself. I then realized that the reason that I was in a daze was because I had slept through breakfast and the lack of food had drained the energy needed to wake up. I thought that if I didn't get up and get some food soon, I might never wake up. This frightening thought pushed me off the bed down to the floor. I then crawled to the edge of the steps. As I reached out and down the first step with my hands, gravity somersaulted me down the steps. My sister came up to me at the foot of the steps and asked, "Are you OK, Sy?" I whispered, "fooodd". She was not able to make sense of my faltering voice. My brother Dung came and looked over Thu-Thuy's shoulder and concluded, "Ah, he's probably up to one of his tricks again, don't pay him any attention." I desperately whispered again, "food." She understood this time and ran to the kitchen yelling to our cook, "Chi Hai, do you have something to eat for Sy?" She came out with a concerned motherly expression on her face. She then rushed into the kitchen preparing the fastest thing she could find. She came out with a hot bowl covered by a plate. A crushed a bag of dried noodles was simply dunked into hot water. She handed it to me and said that I should wait a little for the noodles to get soft before eating it or else I might get a stomach ache. Without even fully understanding her words, I started to stuff the noodles into my mouth. Even though it was crushed into little bits and was still slightly crunchy, these noodles were the best I had ever eaten. I slowly awakened at the bottom of the steps with noodles hanging over my face, and said, "Thank you Chi Hai for saving my life". She chuckled and took the empty bowl away. As I saw my sisters and brothers go back to play, I told myself that I was going to make sure that I was never hungry like this again. I was dead wrong.
• • •
In front of our house, behind the sliding metal gates, there was a garage area that was always filled with flies in the summer time. My brother Linh and I shot at these little flies by stretching and flicking of red rubber bands. The ones we killed, we took to the aquarium to feed our pet fish. We owned these tropical fish which always seemed vicious and hungry. Once a fly was dropped on the surface of the water, several fish would race to snatch it, making a plopping sound in the water. This was fun so we ran back to the garage in attempt to capture more flies. A few flies later, we became creative and started to capture flies with a new method of using plastic bags. This was such a success that we captured tens of flies at a time. After exhausting the fun with the flies, we sat in front of the garage imagining that we decreased the fly population of the garage. Linh then reminded me, "Hey, the 'man with donkey ears' is on TV, let’s go see'". I enthusiastically agreed. My sister Thu-Thuy was already glued to the Television when we arrived. Even though we did not understand a word of English, the visual images of these shows were enough to keep us entranced. The show was "Star Trek" although we did not know enough to refer to it by name. Our favorite character was Mr. Spock. His unusual ears and his Asian-like features intrigued us. That was how we came to call the show "the man with donkey ears". My sister Thanh-Thuy commented that their language (referring to English) all sounded like "solie, solie, solie" as they spoke. She was right; the sounds from the English language to us sounded like garbled words with lots of 'S' sounds in between them. It was like whispering out loud. This then became our way of describing the English language. We used this phrase "solie, solie, solie" sometimes to reenact the characters we saw on TV. Even though Thanh-Thuy told me later that "solie" was the French word meaning "sun" which she learned in French class, we continued to use this word to imitate English. After seeing the handsome and chubby Captain Kirk wrestle with the aliens, we then saw Bonanza. This was another one of our favorites. The intro theme song and the western backdrop were different from all that we were used to. It was fun watching the cowboys shootem up.
Linh and I would play imaginary shootem up after being influenced by what we saw on television. Our living room was the perfect battlefield. I would hide behind some sandbags poking my head up only to shoot. The gun shot sounds would splutter out of our mouths as we tried to shoot the other one down. Once one member was clearly shot, he was injured but continued to limp and still shoot his gun. It would always take at least four or five direct hits before the looser would die. Our guns were just our index fingers and thumbs or sometimes wooden sticks. The shots were mainly spraying noises from our mouths but the one thing that was real in our battle game were the sandbags. In fear of a real attack through the front door, our father had built these sandbags barriers for shelter. He wanted to protect us from gunshots or shrapnel from bombing. Father would remind us of the attack we had in 1968. He told us of the surprise attack which took place right after Tet, the New Year. The Viet Cong were so successful at penetrating South Vietnam that they even arrived to our house in Saigon, the southern capitol city. He described the bombing and bullet holes which were sprayed all over the front of our home. The metal gate we used to have in front of the house was full of dents and holes. Even with all these images which father left in the back of our mind, it did not seem to matter. Linh and I played in and around these sandbags as though they were built for us as a playground. We knew what the sandbags were really for but the real danger did not seem to matter. It was all fun and games.
One afternoon while in the midst of another adventurous game between Linh and I, we were stopped by a peculiar rumble. We had never felt an earthquake before so it was very puzzling. It was not an earthquake however, because it seemed to emanate from the front of our house. "Let's go see what the shaking is all about", I persuaded out of curiosity. "OK, we'll play later then" Linh agreed. The constant rumble in the ground must have been close by since we could feel it increase in magnitude with every step we took toward the front door. Besides the low rumbling sounds, there were squeaky mechanical sounds accompanying in sync with the rumble. I thought our house was being torn down by some machinery since things were shaking so much. To our surprise as we looked outside the front door, there was a caravan of military tanks and trucks. We had played with toy tanks and had seen them on TV shows, but the real ones were ominous. Their size was beyond what I could have imagined. The amazing speed and weight displayed brute strength. "It's one of ours" Linh noted with a sense of excitement and relief. There were Americans on board so we knew that we were not being attacked by the North Vietnamese. We watched until the last tank rolled down our street. The tingling sensation of our bare feet against the rumbling ground began to fade as the tanks disappeared. We were beginning to understand what father was concern about after witnessing these tanks.
Father continued to build more bomb shelters in early 1975. This time, it was more than just some sandbags underneath the steps or near the front door. He got some hired help to dig up a bomb shelter underneath our dining table. I overheard him talking to mother describing how some of the towns near the northern borders were sequentially being taken over by the Northern Vietnamese. Their serious tone was enough to warrant precautions. I did not fully understand the politics of our country and did not seem to care. At the age of seven, there were other more exciting things happening in my life.
However, I did marvel at the project which father took upon himself in building the bomb shelter in our dinning room. Everyone became interested in this hole digging. Maybe it was because the hole was in the center of the room in which we played and ate and spent most of our time. It started out slow as we all helped in breaking through the tile floor. The tiles were broken down by the adults with shovel and picks. All of us kids tried to help by removing the broken tile pieces and caring them over to the side of the hole. I thought my efforts were a big help since I was carrying pieces of stones weighing what felt like tons. It did not seem very much however when I looked over to see my brothers carrying five times what I was carrying. We took breaks and savored some water to quench our dusty dried throats in the kitchen. After feeling rejuvenated, we started back to look over the progress. In my mind, I thought that it was at least as deep as my height by then. When I got back, I crawled down to see how deep this dark dirt and rocked filled hole really was; it was not even knee deep. We started out slow because of the tough tile, but the dirt seemed to take even longer. The adults were back into the dirt hole again with their shovels.
The repeated thumping of the shovels got every one in a rhythm for a short while. Suddenly, these repeating thumping sounds were broken by a loud distinct metallic ping. Shortly after, there came a squirt of water which spread over the entire hole. There were attempts to stop this flow of water but efforts to cover the exposed pipes were futile. The dirt started to foam with a brown ooze which resembled sweet chocolate desserts. This inviting pool of mud was potential for a lot of fun. The dust on our clothes also started to darken into mud. I knew there was going to be a mud fight soon by seeing my brothers picking up some in their hands. Before there was any action however, there came authoritative words, "All the children get out of the mud!" Mother's words seemed to bring everything thing to disappointing halt. "All of you get up stairs and take a bath", mother continued to yell at us. We knew from those words that this was going to be the end of our fun involvement in helping father build the bomb shelter.
• • •
"Hey Sy, lets play a game of hide and seek?" my brother suggested knowing that I would agree. "Sure", I responded eagerly. We would create the rules of the game as we went along. It started out with my brother putting his head against the wall and counting to five as I frantically ran in search of a hiding place inside the house. "One, two, three, four, five! ready or not, here I come!", he commenced. I hid behind the tangerine tree we had inside our lofty living room. He was clever enough to listen to my footsteps while counting so I was a quick find. We started adding new rules to make it more challenging. There were more time limit restrictions added to the search and after the search. When the person was found, he would then get tagged. At that moment, who ever could run back to the wall and touch it first, would get to do the hiding for the next round. My sister Thu-Thuy heard us playing and started to join the game. All of a sudden, all my other older brothers and sisters started to play the game. Soon, there were five kids running around, yelling, laughing and chasing each other back and forth within our house. We did not realize the disturbance which we were creating, but my father had guests and he was beginning to get irritated. Telling us to stop did not seem to help. After the guests had left, he started in our direction with an angered look on his face. He started to take off his leather belt ready for a spanking. "All of you line up now!" he commanded with belt in hand. At the sight of the belt, we knew we were in trouble since this was not the first time. As we got into our line formation and on our knees, it seemed almost like a routine since we were constantly in trouble for one reason or another. "You kids should have more respect for our adult guests." father started on his lecture. It was not cold in the living room but I was shivering because I knew following the speech would be a whip on the legs. We all wore shorts so there was no hiding from the full feel of the leather belt. As father was nearing the end of his lecture, we were saved by the cook's announcement of "dinner time". "If you don't listen to me when we have guests next time, you will get spanked" father concluded. We were fortunate that this time, he was hungry.
We gathered around the long dinner table with a sense of relief. The table was so long that even with five children, and my mother and father at the table, we still had space between us. The cook started to serve us the hot dinner when all of a sudden, Dung yelled out in pain "Ahh..." My mother looked over with great concern, "Are you hurt, are you OK?" As he continued to yell with a pained look on his face, we were puzzled as to what was causing his pain. I thought perhaps he did get punished somehow for our misconduct earlier. It turned out to be a couple of grains of hot rice which had fallen on his bare lap. "It's hot" Dung explained to mother. Mother was never sure when we were in real danger or when we were just acting as children. Once things were settling down and we were able to eat, I was testing out the boundaries between my chair and the hole for the bomb shelter underneath the table. I started to push my chair closer against the edge of the table. The hole which father has dug was so large that if the chairs were pushed in all the way, the front two feet would slip into the hole. I wanted to see if I could balance on the edge without falling in. When I reached for the main dish, there went the chair. Everyone turned their head in reaction to my yell this time. It seemed as if I disappeared from the dinner table as I slipped underneath. With only my hands on the edge of the table, I held on seeing my slippers fall into the hole. Dinner did not seem too appetizing anymore after my bare feet dangled into this hole which was visibly infested by rats at that point. Rats were common in the sewer but once in a while, they would make their way out. Dung was fast enough to grab me and pull me out of this slipping position before I was among the rats. It was quite a thrill at the moment but when I was back on my chair again, everyone's worried faces upon me made me realize that I had scared them. I did not mean to create any arguments but mother was already telling father how dangerous the hole was for the younger children. The noise level began to calm down after I was reseated at a safer end of the table. We continued our nightly dinner without letting the hole get to us. Even with this normal everyday activity of dinner, somehow, I was constantly being reminded of the dangers which the hole represented.
• • •
I did not quite understand why at the time, but mother encouraged all of us to start taking English classes in school. We were used to taking French before as a foreign language but it was time to learn something new. I did not enjoy school very much. It was extremely competitive even in the second grade. It did not make sense to me why we were pushed so much. Out of all the classes, English class was the most dreaded class of the day. The classroom was filled with strange writing on the chalkboard and the mood was set by the stern face of the teacher with a ruler in her hand. I always thought English was a pretty language since I heard it on television, but that was a different English than the one I was taught in school. Once everyone were seated, the teacher would randomly call upon a student to stand up and respond to a quiz question as a drill. We were supposed to have remembered the new words from yesterday's lesson on the chalkboard. The teacher called on the kid in front who was a model student eager to please and lived for competition. She asked him, "Solie, Solie, Solie..." It was a quick garbled whispering sound to my ears. He smiled confidently and answered, "Solie... Solie." "Very well done", congratulated the teacher. "And now, Sy?" the teacher's words directed at me this time as she continued to ask, "Solie, solie solie?" The words all sound alike to me and did not make sense at all. I stood there in silence trying to recall the meaningless lesson from the day before. "You were not paying attention yesterday were you?" accused the teacher. "... Uhm. I don't know" I uttered my usual line. The long face of the teacher frowned even more as she asked me to come to the front of the class. I knew at that point that this was not a good sign. "Put out your hand." she demanded. With my hands out and my eyes squinted, several swift smacks of the ruler numbed my right palm. I opened my eyes to see a very red palm. I tried to hold tears back from the pain and humiliation but the warm throbbing painful glow on my hand watered my eyes. "Go back to your seat and pay attention this time!" she exclaimed. I walked back to my seat trying to conceal my tears by sniffling quietly. The class dragged on with new meaningless sentences, "Hello, how are you?...I am fine thank you". I did not see the value in learning these simple lines which I thought were not used in the English conversations I had heard on TV.
I was thrilled when the English class ended. I rushed home from school forgetting everything I learned in the class. All I could think of was coming home to the fun atmosphere of home and family. I signified this moment of joy by throwing my leather book bag as far as I could once I entered the front door and announced to everyone, "I'm home!". Instead of lugging the heavy bag of books, I enjoyed seeing it slide down the smooth tiled floor of the living room all the way to the footsteps of the stairs. "Must you do that every day?" my older sister Thuy-Thuy questioned. "You know, when I was in the second grade, I had the same leather book bag as the one I have now and look how good the condition is" she pointed to her burgundy bag. Her bag was still as shinny as if it was waxed compared to my scratched up browned bag which had slipped down too many floors. "I know, but I enjoy this part of my day the most" I tried to explain. Her eyes rolled with a smirk on her face. She started to walk away as if I was a hopeless case. "You don't understand, this saves me all the heavy carrying I have to..." I wanted to continue but stopped since she did not seem to have ears at that moment. It did not matter, I was home and I had the freedom to play fun games again.
Later that evening, rumors from the neighborhood kids had traveled through our household. It was understood among kids down our block that the old closed bar across the street was going to start showing American movies for free. This was a treat since usually we would have to go to the theater downtown and pay to see movies. After receiving approval from mother, we crossed the street to check if this rumor was true. This old bar used to be a nightclub where the Americans soldiers partied. We entered through the thick doors which had red leather cushions on the back with couch like buttons sewn all over it. It seemed very dark and creepy but also festive. There were glittering ornaments from previous Christmas celebrations scattered here and there. The bar owner greeted us with a smile, "You guys must be the Truong kids. You look just like your father." he commented at my brother Dung. "The movie will be shown soon, enter through here", he directed us through thick velvet like curtains. In this even darker room, there was a lingering odor of old cigarette smoke. In the rear, there was a screen and projector. The bar owner soon placed a huge reel onto the projector and started this colorful film. "Mary Poppins", Thu-Thuy read the title. Everything was so magical in this movie. The music and the colorful images captivated our imaginations. The bar owner seemed to also enjoy it when he saw how much we were engrossed in movies. The English did not make any sense but it was still fun to watch. The movie took our imagination to this magical land. I began to think that America was a magical place like what was portrayed in the film. Once the movie was over, we thanked the bar owner and found our way out in a happy mood. The owner mentioned that he was going to continue to show the movie again to all the kids in the neighborhood. As we exited the thick bar doors, the sky had already turned into nighttime. "What a beautiful place." I commented to Thu-Thuy while trying to overcome the disorienting change of sunlight. "I would like to see America sometime", I continued to comment and imagine this land far away. We enjoyed it so much that we gathered several times that week to see the same movie.
• • •
It was just another one of those long school days in March. I returned home routinely with my book bag tossing ritual. Something seemed different this time however. Things were unusually quiet and no one noticed my loud entrance. My brothers and sisters were not playing and there were serious discussions by the adults in the background. I listened to the discussion trying to figure out what was going on. Mother and father were talking about the war situation again. They were comparing some of the events to when they had to escape from the North to come to Southern Vietnam. Whatever they were talking about, it must have been very significant for them to compare this to their fleeing from communist rule Northern Vietnam years ago. Before I could really get more out of the discussions between mother and father, they noticed my presence. "Go upstairs and take a bath Sy, you look awful" mother suggested. I knew that some of the stuff they were talking about was not for my ears and that was why she ordered me off. Refreshed from the bath and wearing clean shorts and shirt, I descend the stairs to hear announcements that mother was sharing with my brothers and sisters. I did not catch it fully but I did hear my brother Linh yelling out in glee, "No more school!". Whatever the announcement was, it must have been good, I thought, from my brother's excitement. "What's goin on?" I inquired to my brothers and sister. They seemed to be satisfied with the announcement and were digesting the consequences. "We are going to go on a vacation to the island, Phu Quoc. We will leave soon so start packing." mother finally announced to me. The news was very sudden but the excitement of taking a break in the middle of a school year was shared by everyone. I joined my brothers and sisters in the discussions and packing for the trip.
While we were packing our clothes, we felt excited yet sad at the same time. Since there was no definite mention of us coming back, it seemed like we were running away from home. At the same time, it was like taking a family vacation to the southern coastal islands. With all the excitement, we rushed upstairs and started to organize our clothes. "Let's pretend we are running away from home. We'll pack our clothes in the white sheets" my sister Thanh-Thuy jokingly suggested. "Yea, and we'll tie it to the end of a stick like the movies" I suggested. My mind was filled with visions of travels to far away exotic places as I stuffed my clothes into the white sheets. I got so caught up in the excitement because the notion of the vacation was so fun that I did not even ask why we were going.
Mother had looked into charting a private plane to Phu Quoc but she was unsuccessful. A few days after mother's original announcement, she was able to charter a bus for our departure. I originally thought that father was going to join us but he said that he had important business to take care of and he was going to join up with us latter.
At the beginning of April, father drove us to the bus station. It was sunny and warm so we all wore shorts and clothes suited for our vacation. We were joined with a couple of other families which mother invited to join us on the bus ride. Chu Huong, who had been father's law partner and friend to the family, joined us with his family. Aunt Nga and her family were also there to join us on our bus ride. I recognized her family since my father's sister spent a lot of time visiting us before since she was father's sister. There was another family but their faces were unfamiliar to me. The entire bus was reserved for our group but with the four families, it wasn't difficult to fill up the bus. The plan was for us to travel south down the countryside and take a boat at the coast to the island. The bus ride took us further than we had ever been before. After a couple of hours, I did not recognize the landscape at all. The bus then came to a stop at a river. I was puzzled since there was no bridge, yet the bus driver was planning to cross this fast flowing river. After a few minutes, a car boat came which carried us across. It was fun to see water on all sides while we were on the bus. It felt like the bus was crossing the river by itself. We continued down the road on the other side of the river.
There were people waiting at various bus stops through out the small towns we crossed. The bus surprisingly stopped at one of the bus stop to pick up people. The bus driver pocketed some of the money from the strangers who entered our bus. They were mainly local farmers so mother did not seem to mind at first. With out any action taken, the bus stopped again and again until our bus was packed with strangers. It was interesting to see all the different kinds of people from the countryside since we came from the city. I did not seem mind and thought it was fun to have a lot of people and some small farm animal but I noticed mother was getting furious. She then decided that it was enough as she started to yell at the bus driver, "I paid you good money for this private bus. I was kind enough to allow some extra passengers on but this is too much" She then turned to the strangers and started to demand that they leave, "This is a private bus. It is a mistake for you to have come on board. Please leave." The bus driver realized he had made a mistake and stop the bus at a nearby stop. All the people disappointedly stepped down through the front door of the bus while the bus driver tried to explain to them about the mishap. He apologized to mother and continued our trek southward. I relaxed with a bottle of water on my lap and stretched out since we had more space. The repetitive grinding rev of the engine as it switched between its' many gears made my eyes heavy. With the window open and the warm breeze on my face, I sunken back into the chair and faded asleep.
"Wow!" Dung yelled next to my ear. I awakened abruptly noticing that the bus was very turbulent. The roads were no longer paved, yet we were still moving relatively quickly. The bus went up and down with such force that the water bottle on my lap floated on the way down. It was getting closer to the afternoon. The sun was nearing the edge of the horizon over the water. We stopped at a small city by the coast called Anh Dan. Mother gathered everyone and led us toward the dock. Once we got to the dock, there were few boats left. Mother and Chu Huong tried to locate a boat for rent but we were too late. Mother decided to stay in this little town and take the boat the next day.
We went on foot toward a deserted school. During the walk, we crossed a cemetery. It was getting dark and the walk across the cemetery silenced everyone. It was spooky to see the gravestones cast moonlight shadows over the graves. At a distance ahead of us, there was a flickering light. As we approached this light, we saw small figures huddling around a fire. I slowed down to let my older brother Dung walk in front of me so I could be protected. There appeared to be a couple of old people feeding the fire with little pieces of paper. Once I could see their faces, I knew that they were not ghosts but it was still a strange sight. Dung then explained to me that "they were just putting paper money into the fire so that the dead can enjoy a rich life in heaven." Dung expanded. I looked up to see his serious face so I took it as the truth. It was fascinating for dead spirits to receive money by burning paper money. It was all very mysterious to me.
We arrived at this three-story school building. We were not prepared with camping gear so the sleeping conditions were not the most comfortable. It was still early so my sister Thanh-Thuy and one of my cousins went to play down the halls of the school. I tagged along to explore. There was a big fat tree overlooking the graveyard. We climbed it and enjoyed the view of the huge moon. "Let me tell you a ghost story" my cousin started. I was afraid he was going to say that but somehow at the same time, I was eager for a story. "There once was a father who loved his daughter very much. He took care of her like a princess. One day, there was a horrible disease and she caught ill. He was heart broken when the disease took her life. He buried her in his back yard so he could be close to her. Every night, he would looked over the grave wishing that she would still be alive." I shrugged at the thought of death as I look over an ocean of graves neighboring the school. My cousin continued to capture our attention. "He would cry over the grave remembering her joys and sorrows when she was alive. His tears were enough to sprout some grass over her grave. One night, his frustration lead him to yell out 'come back to me, my one and only darling!'. At that command, there rose a woman in a white floating garment. He approached her with a smile and open arms. His smile turned into a frightened look when he saw that this was not his daughter. This creature had a sinister face with blood dripping from her mouth. "
"Enough, stop it, you are frightening me too much" I begged my cousin to stop. "I was just getting to the good part" my cousin persuaded with a bright smile on his face like a salesman. "And then the evil creature reached out..." my cousin continued.
"Stop! or I will leave and go back to the group." I continued to plead. My cousin was not going to stop on my account and turned over to my sister to continue. I jumped down the tree and started to go back. It was even more frightening walking by myself. I was lucky that my cousin and sister decided to follow me back to make sure I was OK. I was relieved to return to the protection of other adults. Mother showed me the area where we were going to sleep. We were on the second floor and there was a balcony-like hall which was partially open to the night sky. The overhang from the hallway above sheltered us but we could feel the cool air from the side of the hallway. I went to the edge of the balcony to look over where we had sat on the tree. There was fog that was rolling in and covered parts of the cemetery. I was so frightened by the story, I ran back to where we were sleeping and made sure I was between a lot of people. I felt safe with my brothers and sisters on both sides. It was difficult to sleep since the floor was hard and the air was cold and my mind was still preoccupied by the ghost stories. After the moon has shifted away from the narrow view of the balcony, my tired body from all the traveling put me to sleep.
Everyone was tired from the bus ride so we did not wake up early. The sunlight however shining on our faces woke us up. We headed back to the coast to check on the boat situation. We had some food at a restaurant near the beach while waiting for the boat. Mother said that our uncle Cha Dinh had ordered a boat to pick us up. He was a priest who ran a convent on the island of Phu Quoc. We relaxed on the beach until late afternoon. The boat arrived but was not scheduled to leave until later that evening.
We finally got on this small old boat that was used for carrying sugar canes. It was designed as a cargo boat so there were no comfortable seating inside as we had hoped for. The boat was only about 12 meters long by 5 meters wide. It was so small that once everyone was seated, the boat had sunk deep into the water. Where there was enough space, we sat on the wooden floor. Some members sat on the sugar canes which took some of the space inside. The boat was so old that the motor had problems starting up. The captain of the boat and his assistant were not rich enough to afford more but I sensed that they were experienced fisherman. They had dark lathered skin. Their coarse rugged hair and husky body portrayed a seasoned sailor with tenacity for the open waters. They were young but the wrinkled lines around their eyes revealed their hard life. The engine sputtered with some assistance as we started to headed out into the night.
Soon after we hit the open waters, the waves got much bigger and the boat started to rock. The clouds out that night covered all the stars in sight. It was so dark that it was difficult to even see your hands in front of your face. We were all crowded together in this little deck, yet no one talked. We felt as if we are under the mercy of nature. The ocean was so huge and powerful that it could easily flip the little boat. We could hear faint commands which the captain yelled out to the assistant while steering the ship through the winds. He did not possess any sophisticated equipment to guide the boat. He looked at the horizon searching for the lighthouses or the glow of the distant city. With the captain's judgement, combined with his assistant, they steered the boat in the right direction.
The city glow was out of sight after a few hours. Rain started to fiercely tap the thin wooden roof of the cabin and the winds howled. This ominous ocean of blackness had waves which towered over the little boat. The captain constantly steered the boat to face the waves head on so we wouldn't capsize. With each wave, huge amounts of water splashed into the boat. The water level was increasing inside the boat as the boat was sinking slowly into the water. This prompted Chu Huong and some of the men to take pots, baskets and anything they could find to shuffle the water over board as quickly as they can. As soon as they pushed the water out, another splash would fill the boat right up again. The mothers were so frightened by possibility of sinking, they started to pray. The serious chanting of the women was eerie but soothing. The fear that caused by the chanting was very contagious under the circumstances. All of the kids reacted off the fears of the adults. The younger children would hold on to their mothers letting out little screams at each big splash. My stomach was tightened by the fear, which contributed to my motion sickness. I had to throw up but I knew that it was too dangerous to step out to the edge of the boat. I knew that the only solution was to sleep through this nightmare. The echoing voices of the mothers helped make me drowsy. The repetition of the prayers made me sleepy but my body had difficulty falling asleep due to the wet and cold conditions. My mother reached out and held me on her lap. She stroke my hair repeatedly. I felt safe in mother's arm. I was tearing along with the other younger children but I was lucky to fall asleep and escape the chaos.
It felt hot. I was sweating and the air was stale. My eyes were still heavy from deep sleep. I wondered just for a moment if maybe I had died and gone to hell. The blurry light slowly focused once my eyes opened. I was relieved to find myself still on the boat. The sun was high in the sky and the air was calm. There were no clouds in sight. It seemed as if the entire night was just a dream. The puddles of water in the corners of the little cabin, however, proved that the storm was real. My back ached from laying on the hard uneven sticks of sugar cane. It was hot and we were hungry and thirsty. My aunt Nga broke off one of the sugar canes which was sticking out on top of the stack. "We can't take the canes can we? It's not ours." I inquired out of curiosity. She peeled it and started to chew on the sweet juices of the cane. "Just don't tell them about this cane. They'll never know..." she answered in a giggle. I chuckled in response to her carefree attitude. The smile on my face continued as I stepped out onto the deck. The air was fresh, the sunlight was bright. There was a sense of newness in the air after the turbulent night.
After a couple of hours into the morning, the island rose upon the horizon. The deep blue water underneath us gradually got lighter as we approached the island. The sand was so light that it reflected the light through the translucent water. Straight ahead, we could see that the island was covered with green foliage. The banana trees stuck out here and there among the wild bushes. As the beach approached, a strong fish stench filled the air. There was no place to escape from this piercing smell. It was a fishing area where fisherman would bring in their catch. The strong smell triggered a nerve in our stomachs. One by one, we bowed over the ledge of the boat to throw up. We did not have much in our stomachs but we could not help reacting to the fowl smell.
In the distance on the shore, it looked like father. He was all in black clothing. There were other people next to him who were all about to greet us. With a closer look, it turned out not to be father but his brother, the priest. He had a concerned look on his face as if it was his fault for putting us through the storm. His long face gradually smiled as he saw that we were all present and well. It had been a long time since we all saw Cha Dinh. I had forgotten how much he looked like father.
Cha Dinh welcomed us to a lunch at a restaurant on the beach. "I am so glad you made it safely. I was really concerned when the storm was upon us last night. You are safe on the island now. Feel free to stay here as long as you like." Cha Dinh extended his invitation to mother and to all of us kids. We walked quite a distance to his church. His congregation was a little community in itself. Near the church there was an old building where the nuns stayed. They were kind enough to vacate a couple of rooms for our group. Everything was so peaceful and pretty on this island. The fresh ocean air would come through the windows of the room we were staying in. I looked out the window to see some children playing in front. I wanted to join them but I was fatigued by the boat trip. I stared outside noticing that things seemed to move a little slower on this island too. No one was in a rush to go anywhere like in the city where we lived. Everyone seemed much more carefree. This island felt like it was the vacation which we had looked forward to.
There was no school on the island. We could do whatever we wanted and have fun all day. With out any itinerary for the day or for the week, time seemed to have stood still. One morning, my older cousin invited me to join him to the beach. "Hi Sy, come to the beach with me and I'll show you how fast I can swim."
We walked under the hot sun towards the beach. There were high trees outlining this naturally formed walkway which partially shaded us from the blazing sun. The shadows of the rustling leaves sparsely sprinkled sun light upon the twisted path. As we came closer, the smell of the salt water became stronger and the distanced sounds of crashing waves tickled our ears. With the excitement of wanting to feel the water, our pace picked up to a jog. Overcoming the final hill, we could see the huge blue ocean overtake the landscape. The ground changed from light brown dirt into white sand. With bare feet and shorts, we ran towards the water. Our momentum quickly came to a halt once our feet landed on the scorching hot sand. "Shit, that is hot!" my cousin cussed out of pain. We quickly stepped back underneath the shaded trees and contemplated our predicament. "Let's make a run for it. The ocean will cool us off." He suggested. "I don't know..., that's a long run" I replied looking over the huge hot body of sand. "What are you, chicken, come on, we've gone all this way." He taunted. We both looked at each other for a moment then in synchronized fashioned ran as fast as we could towards the ocean. The heat burned every step but it started to feel numb after a while. We landed in the warm water with a relieving splash.
I dogged paddled my way into the deep waters while my cousin swam circles around me. It was obvious that he was a superior swimmer. I swam back to the beach frustrated by his cocky attitude. "You can swim faster because you are older" I proclaimed trying to find an excuse to redeem myself. He laughed and splashed water in my face. We got into a little harmless water fight. All of a sudden, my cousin stopped with a piecing look in the direction of the shore like a hunting dog. I gradually stopped also and looked over to see a gang of four other kids walking on the beach in our direction. They were our age but looked very tough and tan. We could tell that they were locals just by their sun-tinted hair and dark leathery skin. We started to move in their direction towards the shore to meet them.
"What are you two wimps doing on my beach?" the tallest one authoritatively questioned. His energetic voice expressed that he was looking for a fight. "This is a public beach." my cousin courageously replied. Tensions were mounting and I knew that fists were going to start flying soon. We were saved when a family started setting up a picnic next to our confrontation. The tension was broken and the attention turned towards the family. There was an older couple with a daughter who seem older than all of us. She was different though. Her head sat crooked on her slanted shoulders. She walked slowly with little coordination. One of the boys from the gang yelled out "What's wrong with you? Retard!". My cousin complemented his words by saying, "She is an ugly looking retard if I ever saw one." The girl was hurt by the comments but seemed to be used to it. She ignored us and limped her way towards the water. Somehow, the cruel comments made by my cousin and the other kids from the gang united us in a strange way. We were initiated in the group by the mutual display of lack of respect for the girl. I was confused but joined in the gang's rough attitude in order not to be outcasted by the group.
All of us started to swim in the water with water fights here and there, the same way my cousin and I were playing before. It was strange that we were enemies one moment and then friends the next. While the group was playing and wrestling, I noticed a little further out in the water that there was a little white bubbling fuzz coming out of the water. My first thoughts were that it was some kind of strange fish or sea animal. My curiosity lead me to a closer investigation. The water was still only about chest level so I felt that whatever the creature was, I could still make a run for it if it was dangerous. I could see as I got closer that the white bubbles formed a little circle which was periodically broken down by the waves. When I was close enough to see some of the white bubbles drift pass me, there was a limb which stuck out of the water. My reflexes caused me to jump back. I could not visibly decipher what the object was because I was so scared, but once my fears subsided I realized that it was a human arm that was coming out of the water. I quickly plowed my way through the water in order to see what was wrong with this person. I heard a little cry as a girl's head went up out of the water then down again. It was the same girl which we were all mocking earlier. Although the water was not that deep, the girl was not able to stand up so she was drowning. I held my breath and went under water and tried to push her up so she could catch some air. I was not able to do it for long since I was running out of breath myself. She was still coughing with salt water bubbling out of her mouth. I desperately tried to pull her while trying to keep her head above the water. Her slippery arms and legs were flinging aimlessly. She was much bigger than I was and therefore too heavy for me to carry all the way back to shore. I yelled out to my cousins and the gang but they were still playing and creating noise, which drowned out my calls for help. I knew I could not do this for long because I was unable to completely raise her out of the water. Her vigorous movements were gradually slowing down out of fatigue. It was difficult to leave her but I made a quick decision to drop her and rush back to shore for help. I rushed out of the water frantically yelling "The girl is drowning, the girl is drowning!". Quite far away, the father of the girl heard my call and frantically ran in my direction. I pointed out towards the white bubbling fuzz in the water. He did not even come up to me and confirm what I was saying. Instead he dove into the water swimming straight towards the white bubbles. My cousin and the group of boys finally notice me and the man. They ran in my direction along the shore to find out what all the commotion was about. The man dragged the girl onto the sand tilting her on her side. Water flowed out of her mouth. She started to cough, gasp for air and cry all at once. I could not helping but cry along with her. The father then carried her pass all of us towards the mother. All the boys faces were frozen with the same stunned look. I felt so bad for our mean treatment towards this girl. I felt as if we had caused her to drown herself. I started to walk slowly back towards the house after the incident. Compared to the feelings of being invincible earlier among the boys, I was surprise to see how fragile life was for the drowning girl.
At night, the cool fresh air attracted us. We had campfires sometimes and cooked and ate outdoors. The moonlight gave enough light that we could almost read comics in it. On those nights that the moon was not out, the stars would fill the sky much more than what we were used to seeing in Saigon. The building where we stayed looked unfinished. It was either burned down at one point or was never fully constructed. The top floor did not have a roof so it was open to the clear sky. We asked for and got permission to sleep on the roof one night. We ventured up through the dark stairways. Both my brothers Dung and Linh lead the way with some of my cousins in line. We crept up the narrow dark cement stairway. On the last turn before the opening of the balcony floor, there came a loud scream of pain. My brother Dung had hurt his foot on something. Since we were all barefoot, I thought he had stepped on a broken glass bottle. Linh helped him down to the lit room downstairs. His big toe nail was covered with blood since it had been ripped right off his toe. Apparently, he missed the step but his toenail held on. Dung was always the oldest, bravest, and strongest among all of us. He was frustrated by his injury but it did not seem to break his spirit. We still all went the beach and savored the sun.
Although I did not know when this vacation was going to end, I could sense from mother and from the adults that something was coming up soon on this third week. Mother's intention for the trip was being revealed, as she was planning for the next step. She knew that the war was going to involve dangers if we were to stay in Saigon. Father was involved in the government so it was especially dangerous for our family. They thought that even if Saigon were taken over, we would be temporarily safe on the Phu Quoc island. We would then leave the country in case of a war. Mother wanted us to go to Thailand or get picked up by an American ship in order to escape. She was not sure exactly what was going to happen but she was planning for us to be political refugees in case there was a war. Not everyone believed that there was going to be a war however. My uncle Cha Dinh truly believe that the confrontation between the North Vietnamese and the South Vietnamese would result in a united Vietnam. He saw great future for our country. My mother, on the other hand, greatly opposed the communist system of the North. She believed that the intent of the North was not to unite but to take over the South. She had lived under the communist rule and knew the horrors. This was an area in which mother and Cha Dinh greatly disagreed. He welcomed us to stay with him on this island but did not encourage us to leave the country. The more mother expressed her plans, the more they were at odds.
Even though their views were different, mother was very good at maintaining a good relationship with Cha Dinh. She also befriended another priest in my uncle's perish. Cha Khoat was younger and was always very nice to all of us. They were both priests to me but their spirit was different. I held high respect for Cha Dinh since everyone on the island respected the high priest. I somehow saw Cha Khoat more as a friend than a prestigious priest like my Uncle. Cha Khoat spent enough time with us that I thought of him as an uncle too.
It was late on the night of April 29th when things began to happen. We were all sleeping like logs from an exhaustive day of swimming on the beach and exploring the woods of the island. Mother awakened us during the deepest sleeping state of the night. It must have been two o'clock since the rooster have not even started to coccidioidal yet. "Gather all your things, we are leaving!" she uttered quickly in a frantic whispering voice. I hopped out of bed and quickly stuffed my clothes into the traveling bag. Although my arms were swinging with little precision, my eyes were not fully opened. I had collected shells on the beach, bottle caps from soft drink bottles and a lot of worthless collectibles. I wanted to gather them but mother instructed everyone to only take what they could carry. We did not even say goodbye to any one as we rushed out of the door.
Cha Khoat had informed mother that there was an American ship that was picking up some of the American and Vietnamese employees of the island radio station. He only chose to inform our family since he was told that not many people would be allowed to go. Lead by Cha Khoat, we rushed into the darkness of the night. There was moonlight out so it helped illuminate our path. The route started out as the same one we used to go to the beach. However, carrying bags of clothes in the dark and half asleep made this trek a whole new experience. We crossed the alleys which faced some back yards of some homes. The trees hung over the path which we were following. It became so dark that we could not see anything. I was just running and keeping close to the footsteps of my brothers in front of me. It was in one of these dark passages that Dung dropped his stamp collection. I heard the smack of the flat book of stamps which he dropped. The momentum of the rush rolled the book over a couple of times. As I ran to help him, the stamps ruffled through my feet like a swarm of moths. Dung yelled out "Wait, I need to get my stamps". These were stamps which he had begun collecting a long time ago in Saigon. I tried to help him by grabbing any white little squares I could make out in the darkness. Mother came to us and yelled, "Leave them, we are in a hurry." I knew that Dung was very disappointed but we did not want to loose the group. It was very confusing on one of the paths we took. The darkness made it difficult to make out the trails. We were jogging for quite sometime and things began to look familiar. The path and trees looked very familiar. It looked like the one we took a few minutes before. I felt that we were running in circles. In one area, I saw little white pieces of paper on the ground. It must have been the same little stamps which Dung had dropped a few minutes ago. Even though the trails seemed to repeat themselves, we persisted on.
The alleys we crossed faced the back yards of some homes. Once people heard or saw us rushing by with bags in hand, they joined in. Apparently we were not the only ones ready to leave. There were a few people running behind us, then a few more shortly after. Soon there were groups of people on the left, right and even in front of us who were running with us.
The rushed mob seemed to have a mind of its own as we were swept into the middle of it. It was still very dark and we were surrounded by many people. We could have been easily split up. "Kids, hold on to each other's hands. Hold on tight and what ever happens, don't let go." Mother commanded with great concern which we all shared. The group began to slow down as we approached the beach. There must have been a lot of people since we were not even on the beach yet when the crowd came to a halt. There was anxiety in the air. People looked around to make sure their family was intact and then stood in confusion. "What is going on?" I curiously questioned to see if any of my siblings could answer. I was too short to see over the crowd. Dung and Thuy were just about tall enough to see but they hushed me instead. "Just stay quiet and maybe they will tell us when we can board the American ship", Thu-Thuy whispered down to me. I could hear rumbling among the crowd of people making little sense here and there. I could gather from one of the neighboring fathers that the ship could only sustain between three to five hundred people. I tried to estimate in my head how many people there was between the beach and where we stood. Grogginess from the lack of sleep hindered my estimation but there seemed to be more than five hundred people among this crowd.
I was so fatigued from lugging a bag of clothes with only about three hours of sleep. It seemed almost possible to sleep standing up. Even if I wanted to lie down, it was impossible in this tight crowd. The only thing keeping up my energy level was the excitement of seeing the ship and thoughts of continuing our venture. As my mind drifted a little, I imagined what the American ship looked like. It would be black and camouflaged from the enemy ships. It had little round windows all along the side so people could see outside from their quarters. The light streaked out from these windows onto the night beach. I could see the inside through these round windows. Everything was bright with white tablecloth tables and sheeted bunk beds. The Americans did not spare any expenses in the details of these ships. It was more than a ship because it could go under water. Once under water, I could see outside the window into the seaweed and fishes in the ocean water. The inside light shined upon colorful tropical fish. It was a beautiful sight.
"Wake up Sy!, we are not going, we are heading back" Thy-Thuy yelled as she pulled on my hand waking me up from my daydream under the night's moonlight. "Aren't we going to the ship? I'd like to at least see it, it must be a beautiful submarine" I pondered in a daze. My words did not have any affect since the entire crowd was also pushing back away from the direction of the beach. My suspicions must have been correct earlier that there were too many people to fit into the ship. I was greatly disappointed because we were not able to continue on our trip but even more important to me, I did not get a chance to see the beautiful ship that was painted in my mind.
The excitement was gone when we walked back. Everyone was disappointed and felt that it was a wasted effort. It seemed that everyone was awake up when we came back to the house, since all the lights were on in the complex. We entered back into our room with everything in disarray as we had left it. Cha Khoat, Aunt Nga and Chu Huong were all there with concerned yet angered faces. "You were foolish to have left... Why did you leave?.. Why didn't you tell us about the ship?...", they all yelled passionately. They were all angry for different reasons. It seemed that they were all trying to get their words in at once. Mother asked us to go back to sleep so I couldn't see all of the arguments but I agreed happily since my tired body was hungering for sleep. I dropped my bag of clothing next to the mattress on the floor and fell asleep instantly.
The next morning was one of the worst I had felt since our arrival on the island. I woke up feeling very disoriented from the lack of sleep. The grown ups were disputing for part of the night and continued early in the morning. There were so many arguments and angered feelings from the night before. Cha Khoat had preached in church describing our disloyal acts of trying to dessert the country. Co Nga's family and Chu Huong's family all felt as if we betrayed them and tried to leave without them. Poor mother had to explain to them that the opportunity allowed for only a few people to leave and she was trying her best to be diplomatic. Everyone's spirits were so down that day, I did not want to do anything except try to sleep unsuccessfully in the heat of the day.
The anxiety we felt that night trying to escape on an American ship came right back with greater intensity on the morning of April 30th. Thuy-Thuy had told me that it was announced on the news that morning that Vietnam had surrendered and Saigon was taken over by the North Vietnamese. Mother asked us to gather what ever we could carry and head out. It felt a little like the first night we tried to escape but this time, the daylight and the company of Chu Huong and Aunt Nga made it less chaotic. It seemed that the state of the nation prompted many people to leave the island, but this time I did not recall announcements that there was going to be an American rescue ship waiting. Mother and Chu Huong discussed the difference scenarios and mother said that if there were no ships out there, we would go to Thailand. She desperately wanted to get out but the uncertainty of how and where scared all of us.
We all headed towards the beach through the dirt and sanded paths similar to the previous night. There seemed to be a sense of determination and urgency to get out because the news of the war meant that we could not go back any more. The long path down to the beach did not feel the same. This was the same path with tropical trees which we used to stroll down on our many beach trips during the past several weeks. The beauty of the tropical landscape had been tainted with people scrambling to leave just like us. This vacation beach island felt like it was coming to an end. Climbing over the last hill before the beach used to be a refreshing and peaceful sight. This time, it was very disturbing.
Our group must have been one of the earlier groups I thought since there was not a tremendous crowd of people compared to the previous night. Mother and Chu Huong began to plan our escape route. There were small boats at the shores which were ready to transport people for a fee. These must have been local fishermen since their boats were small and were not really meant to transport people. Mother and Chu Huong were frustratingly negotiating with them since they were not accepting any currency. Therefore mother was paying them with all the gold nuggets that she had left combined with Chu Huong's family. It seemed ridiculously expensive for just a boat trip. At the moment however, the fishermen knew that they could charge any price.
The boat was a small boat. It was about the same size as the one we took to get to the island from the main land. Once the sailor started the engine however, the speed took me by surprise. This boat had quite an engine. I could feel the acceleration push everyone back as we jetted straight out to the open waters. The sun was climbing higher into the morning sky and the air was warming up. I looked out in all directions into the warm winds but there were no ships in sight. The speed of the boat and the straightness in its direction seemed so purposeful, but the destination was still unclear. I did not eat breakfast that morning and my body began to slow down from the lack of food. It was very exciting that we were finally on a boat heading out. The excitement was not all-pleasant feelings however, since my stomach was craving for the food which we did not bring and the undetermined destination was not a settling thought. The minutes of the morning seemed to grow longer. I was not able to handle the motion of the boat and my hunger brought me to a dizzy nap.
After an hour or so, a large ship was spotted. The energy from everyone's excitement woke me out of my daze. As we closed in, there were several other small boats surrounding the large ship like ants hovering around a grain of food. The ship grew larger than anything I had anticipated as we closed in on it. Dung used to build plastic model battle ships with their many guns. There were no guns on the sides of this ship but this ship must have been the size of those huge battle ships. The deck of the ship towered over us, dwarfing our little boat.
The loud motor of our little boat shifted to a softer slower gear as we closed in on the ship. The ship was anchored and stood still upon the surface of the open water. It did not bounce up and down along with the waves like all the other little boats. It seemed so solid resisting the waves of the ocean that it appeared to be an island in itself. The ship was almost completely grayish black with some small writing on the front side. Thu-Thuy recognized and pointed out the words "The Challenger" printed near the front. I noticed her excitement and the awe over the ship. I looked back trying to make out the words but I could not make any sense of the word nor appreciate how appropriate it fit what we were about to face.
There did not appear to be any loading dock on this side of the ship, yet there were a few little boats awaiting on the edge. The engine of our boat started to pick up momentum again encircling this ship. Our little boat swung around the other side of the ship revealing no loading dock either. The sun was high in the sky but the ship was tall enough to cast its shadows across our boat. Our little boat continued to encircle the ship as if it was on automatic pilot. There was no itinerary or plan at this stage so it did not seem to be a bad idea to keep circling the ship until there was some kind of announcement.
There were more little boats coming towards the ships across the horizon where we had come from. The ones that were arriving were adding to the swarm of boats that were forming closely around the ship. Our boat slowed down to join the crowd of little boats after several revolutions around the ship. I was glad that we were coming to a stop since the circling motion of the boat along with the undulating waves nauseated me to the point where I was getting too sick to stand up. It felt like my entire body was one big headache with all the coordination taken out of me.
One by one, there were boats docking next to each other blocking us in against the boats closer to the ship. It did not take long for the many little boats of different colors and styles to smother the ocean surface. It was getting more difficult to see any water since the boats were crowding in on all sides. I closed my eyes for a few minutes trying to deal with the my motion sickness. The noise level grew louder and louder with every head throb. The boats' old wooden frames creaked since they were flexing from bouncing off each other. The boats' noise was accompanied by the peoples' humming comments depicting the chaos.
To facilitate boarding people onto the ship, a large flat barge appeared between the ship and the little boats. I was still too nauseated to notice the movement of people towards the barge. "Everyone hold on to each other and we'll get to the barge," Mother initiated. Thu-Thuy looked into the glare of the sun and noticed that it was impossible for our boat to squeeze any closer to the barge. "How should we get there with all these boats in between us?" Thu-Thuy questioned to mother. We could hear the thumping sounds of other people jumping from our boats and on to others to get closer. Thu-Thuy's answer was apparent but she looked into my half-opened eyes and knew that I was not able to make this trek. While everyone was gathering the little things they could carry on their backs, I looked up and felt that I was not going to make it. I didn't have the energy to even want to go on. Thu-Thuy pulled me up by my hands and commanded, "Hold on to my hand and follow with me across these boats." I looked faintly at her as if to say, leave me here, I cannot go on any further. Without a second thought, she swung my arms over her shoulders and lifted me onto her back in piggyback style. I was grateful for her strength and tried to utter words of thanks but nothing could come out of my uncontrollable throbbing head.
We formed a line on the deck of our boat. I could barely see clearly through my sister's hair, but I could see my brother, then my mother, jump over to the next boat. As Thu-Thuy edged towards the ledge of our boat, my feet started to tingle out of fear of falling into the water. The waves pushed the other boat away slightly revealing the dark water underneath. I clung on with all fours to ensure from falling off during the jump. Fortunately, the waves brought the boats back together for an easy hop. There was great relief when her feet landed solidly as she gained balance on the other boat. She then told me, "Don't hold my neck too tightly when I jump, I couldn't breath; you wouldn't want me to fall do you?" I shook my head in agreement while still shaking from the sight of the two boats smashing into each other. The confidence we gained from the first jump was necessary because we were still a long ways from the barge. The next boat was slightly higher so we had to climb over the edge. I was trying to keep Thu-Thuy's words in mind, trying not to cling on too tightly. She leaned back a little as she placed her foot over the ledge of the taller boat. My head swung back to my right giving me a straight on view of the splashing water below. My hands and feet naturally held on tight regardless of my sister's comments.
After a few boats, it became easier and I was able to control may spontaneous strangulation of Thu-Thuy's throat. Now and then, between boats, I could see the flat barge ahead getting filled up with people. It did not seem to have that much space for all the people that were hopping over boats around us. The next boat that we encountered had no deck. The cabin came right up to the edge of the boat and there was no way we could climb to the roof. There was a wooden ledge surrounding the entire boat but it was just slightly larger than our feet to stand on. Thu-Thuy and I were tensing up seeing how careful my brother stayed flat against the wall of the boat as he jumped on. The difference was that we were back heavy. My weight on Thu-Thuy's back could easily tip us backward on the thin ledge and into the deep waters. My straggling habits came right back when Thu-Thuy took a step to jump. I closed my eyes hoping for her feet to make complete contact on the thin ledge. She spread out her arms in mid-air with palms open like some kind of bird. The first contact with the boat was her head against the side of the boat. I felt the impact of the wall as my head bounced off my sister's head like a couple of pool balls. Her flat palms tried to grasp onto the flat wall of the boat like suction cups. The knock to my head added to my headache. We stood still as statues, trying to balance on the thin ledge. I pressed my chest against her back. The boat rocked a little bit backward putting us at an unstable position. I felt that the wind could have easily blown us one way or the other. When the boat rocked forward again, leaning us towards the boat, we started to breath again knowing that the balance was on our side. Thu-Thuy moved very slowly, edging after a slight pause, perhaps because the knock on her head or maybe because I was holding onto her throat too tightly. Once we made it to the front of the ship, there was a little opening which gave us room to stand comfortably. Thu-Thuy grabbed my arms and loosened them a little, while taking a deep breath. I felt bad for holding on so tightly but my arms did not responded rationally.
Once we made it to the barge, I was released to sit at knee level while people continued to pile on. The air was completely still and the sun was directly over head. The heat and humidity had increased. This was caused by all the people jammed together like sardines. My body were sticking to my clothes from my own sweat. The air smelled stale and used. I tried to hide under shadows of my brothers and sisters but the sun was so high above to escape from. I could hear Dung yell out in pain now and then as people stepped on his infected toenail. My sympathies for the pain of his bleeding big toe had added to my nausea. My lungs were heavy and there did not seem to be any air. My breathing grew slower and heavy. No matter how deep a breath I took, I still felt as if I was not receiving any air at all. My vision was blurring and I began to faint. I was frightened because I did not know how to escape this lack of air. I looked up and saw my brothers standing and they were also breathing uncomfortably, but it did not seem to affect them as much. The brightness of the sun dimmed into blackness.
Next thing I remembered was the warm sun on my face, cool fresh breeze and the feeling of being levitated. I regained consciousness noticing that Linh was holding me above his shoulders. "Are you OK? The air is fresher up here isn't it? Take a deep breath because I can't hold you for long", Linh comforted me in a slightly strained voice from holding me with his hands. After a few minutes, he lowered me after seeing that I was breathing at an even pace again. The air was still stifling my lungs so Linh was niche enough to raise me periodically for me to catch my breath. My fear subsided knowing that there was air, it was just above my height.
The first attempt to board people on the ship was a rope. The hissing rumble of the crowd grew a little louder when a young man clung on to the rope. I was not able to see him until he gained some progress on the rope. He looked like a strong younger man but it was still a struggle. His speed slowed as he came close to the deck of the ship. The height of the ship seemed to have tired him by the time he was over the edge of the ship. He was assisted by some of the sailors in dark military uniform. There must have been some discussion over the use of the rope since not everyone was able to climb it and it would take too long. It wasn't long before the rope was pulled up out of sight.
The second attempt was to lift people up onto the ship. A large metallic crane lowered a wooden crate down. The crate was large enough to carry a car. I imagined that they must have transported tanks or huge machinery before with this crate. Although it looked strong, the creaking and crackling sound of the whole contraption caused some concerns for the skeptics. A group of people resembling a family got onto the crate once it slowly landed on the barge. The crate slowly lifted the entire family with out any apparent strain on the crane. This was a better method compared to the rope so it continued to load people on.
The loading continued until the sun was getting lower into the western skies. People were getting on but there were several logistical problems to this approach. There were outburst of disagreements as to who would be able to enter first and what they could carry with them. A major flaw the crane and crate was that it was just too slow. There was no way that every one could get on to the ship by nightfall at the rate we were going. The crate did load some people but it too was stopped after they realized that it was not getting enough people on board.
It wasn't until they had lowered the wooden rope stepladder that people began to move. For a big part of our wait, it didn't seemed like we moved very far. Once they lowered the stepladder however, we began to work our way towards the ship. After reviewing some of the problems, there was an announcement that only women and children should board first. This was a disturbing announcement for many families since the fathers had to trust that they would be able to join their families latter. We were fortunate since our immediate family consisted of only mother and the five children. The stepladder and the announcement helped us move closer to the edge of the barge.
Mother ordered us again, "Hold on to each others hands tightly and stick together" once we started up the stepladder. I felt a little less sea sick on the barge since it was moving less than the little boats we were on. My sickness began to drift away as we stepped onto the ladder which lifted us above the stale air into the fresh ocean breeze. The boat hopping and waiting seemed all worth it. The stepladder swayed less and less as we reached the top of the ship. The sun was getting more orange in the late afternoon over the ocean water. Once we stepped off the ladder onto the solid metal ship, there was a strong feeling that we were headed for America.
The top deck of the ship was already filled with people. It seemed like people claimed their spot anywhere under the sun as soon as they boarded. The flat deck had three large rectangular holes that opened down to a lower deck. Since we were relatively late arrivers, we were escorted through the maze of people to the edge of one of the rectangular holes. I wanted to stay on the first deck since the air was fresh but there was little choice. The steps that led us down were flimsy wooden steps which looked like they were just recently built for this trip. Our spot was right next to the foot of the steps.
The lower deck felt like the inside stomach of the ship. The rectangular opening casted a streak of light down onto a black and dark cabin. Most of everything was steel, even the floor. We figured this was a cargo ship from the pungent industrial grease smell which emanated from below. We sat down onto a slippery yet thick layer of grease and soot. There was no escape from the greasy floor. The entire deck seemed to be evenly covered with this stuff. Among the little things that we cold carry were a stack of mother's treasured music sheets. She had such passion for some of these artists that they had to be brought on the trip. It was painful to see what she was doing but she untied the bundle of music sheets and started to cover the greasy floor with them. The little music sheets had one side displaying the artist's face and the other with music notes and lyrics stuck to the greasy floor. The first layer of music sheets she placed down were quickly smeared with the grease that was already on the bottom of our feet. After a second layer, it was a little less greasy. While sitting on the faces of these grease smeared Vietnamese artists, I felt good that we were a little settled but a little empty since we had left everything behind.
• • •
The cabin was gloomy since the only source of light was the opening leading to the top deck. The majority of the people sat on the corners and sides of the compartment since it sheltered them from the weather. Things were more settled except for the painful crying of some individuals who had been abruptly separated from their families. This was not an isolated occurrence since there were drifting words describing families who had just been separated from their loved ones. I did not realize how dreadful it was while we were boarding when they announced that only "women and children" were to board until I heard all the painful cries of grief. Things happened so quickly that the realities of individuals left behind were slowly beginning to be felt. Although our family was unaffected, the mood was contagious.
I had forgotten what food was all about since my stomach seemed to have shrunken. I did not realize how hungry I was until they started to pass some food out. Cardboard boxes, filled with canned foods were being distributed. There were even fresh oranges and apples to compliment the canned foods. No one had ever seen such large apples and oranges before. I remembered on father's farm, we had green apples which I could completely grasp in the palm of my hand, but these apples were different. Looking into these red apples were like looking into a deep red sky filled with little white stars. The little white specs deliciously smothered the red apples. I cleaned the fruits and ate the apples to the seeds. The cardboard boxes from the canned foods were quickly turned into floor mattresses. I never noticed how useful cardboard boxes until I saw how they resisted the grease much better than mother's music sheets. The food was plentiful and I thought that the worst was over.
Linh and I came up to the upper deck in search for a rest room. Stepping into the cool windy ocean air, we witnessed the harsh conditions of individuals on the top deck. They were bundled under blankets and cardboard box shelters. The stability of the ship felt like it was moving very slowly but the subsonic hum of the ship's engine propelled it at amazing speed. Finding our way over the edge of the ship through the bundled up people, we could see the ocean water far beneath us. We were so high up that the ripples of the pacific ocean waves appeared small. I realized the true speed of the ship from the sight of the ocean water drifting quickly underneath.
Working our way along the right side of the ship, we came to a line of people waiting to use the latrines. There did not seem to be a separate stall for men and women since the line consisted of men, women and children. As we closed in on the latrine, we could make out a frightening contraption hanging over the edge of the ship. There was a little booth made out of flimsy wooden boards supported by wooden beams hanging onto the edge of the ship. It had the same makeshift craftsmanship as the ladders and boarding facilities of this ship. People stepped up and into this booth which had a cloth sheet as a door. The wind was so strong that the sheet did not supply much function for privacy. Once it was our turn, Linh was brave enough to go first. Even though I was barely able to hold my bladder, the scary thought of standing on such a delicate booth locked my bladder up. When Linh came out through the sheet, he suggested, "It's windy in there. You should watch your aim or else you could end up wetting yourself... and don't look down either." I slowly crawled into the stall with some resistance holding onto whatever I could hold onto in fear of slipping. There was a hole in the center of the booth which opened straight down to the moving waters below. There were strong winds coming from all directions caused by the hole and various cracks of the booth. The breeze made it difficult to release my bladder. My muscles could not relax in these drafty conditions. After much effort, I was able to partially release myself and made it back to the more trusted sturdy metallic deck of the ship. This unpleasant experience continued to taint my romantic view of the ship.
Making our way back down, I realized that the lower deck appeared gloomier but the conditions were much better than the folks on the first deck who had to fight the wind. I laid down upon the cardboard box looking into the sky through the opening. The sky was dark and stars appeared in great numbers. Occasional clouds drifted above the single light bulb which casted a hazy glow in the musty air above the wooden steps. The noise among the crowded group was still very alive as I drifted into a light sleep.
A drop of water splashed against my face with great force startling me out of my sleep. A few larger drops followed and then the air seemed to have turned into flowing water. The tropical rain fell down so profusely that there was little room for air. People reacted in unison like a wave sweeping to the edge of the compartment away from the opening. "Over here Sy," Thanh-Thuy's voice directed my scramble out away from the wet into the densely packed people. There were a couple of individuals who momentarily stayed under their cardboard boxes but they gave in after the rain seeped through the boxes. There was no longer a sense of individual space anymore since everyone was cramped next to each other. Even though everyone was a stranger to one another outside their own family, the rain formed a sense of comradery. The rain was cool yet refreshing against the musty air. I did not seem to mind getting wet so much. Across the hissing splatter of the rain came a sarcastic comment, "Wouldn't a hot steamy bowl of delicious pho be good right now!". Just about everyone laughed enthusiastically as if they had been wanting to release the tension for some time. The gentleman who uttered the joke broke the somber mood that was so prevalent. Conversation ensued with lighter overtones.
The thick falling rain that was coming through the opening like a big spout all of a sudden came to a stop. The air-dried up abruptly as if someone had turned off the rain like a faucet. The metallic gutter grills near the center drank up the remaining water. People slowly made their way back to their original places. I followed Dung back to our wet cardboard boxes next to the steps. Trying to get comfortable and getting back to sleep, I could see the stars again being uncovered by the fast low flying clouds. I looked over noticing that Dung was sharing the same view but with only one eye. He then announced that he was going to sleep with one eye open in case there was another rain, so he could predict it ahead of time by the cloud formation. I found it quite amusing and attempted this technique but my tired eyes both closed shortly after monitoring the drifting grey clouds over the black starry skies.
The canned foods ran out the first day. There must have been some kind of gross miscalculations since food was being rationed to only one meal a day. Mother stood in line for a big part of the day to get the rice porridge. I think the chefs were trying to prepare rice but they failed miserably. After hours of standing in line, mother came back holding a handkerchief bulging with rice mush. She explained, "I did not have any pots or bowls. I had thought that they would at least supply us with some kind of food container." The food was intended for the entire family for that day. The handkerchief held only a handful of rice with little bits of beef. The small portions were split among five children and mother. I was still very hungry and wanted to go back to the food line but it was closed. The disappointing rice mush made the canned foods from the night before seem extravagant. With each little morsel of rice placed on our palms, we nibbled them like mice, trying to make it last.
The next couple of days dragged on with little food and continued poor conditions. The only form of escape was looking into the open waters. One afternoon, when I was just staring at the orange water reflecting the sunset, there appeared to be a swarm of aquatic activities. Near the front of the ship, there was a school of dolphins. They were graceful creatures hoping above the waves created by the ship and quickly diving down again. It had never seen a real dolphin before and was amazed by their size and beauty. Closer to the middle of the ship where I was standing, there were little fish that jumped out of the water and glided on the surface of the water for long distances keeping up with the speed of the ship. It was a perplexing sight since these fish had the ability to stay afloat somehow in mid-air. I caught Dung's attention and asked him if he knew what they were. He responded that he had seen them before and that they were flying fish and that they had wings. I did not believe him at first but after a closer examination, the dimming sunlight revealed transparent glimmering wings spanning the size of the fish. It continued to amaze me how many things existed and how little I had seen so far.
The ship came to a stop for the first time. It was announced that we are arriving at the Philippines and that we were going to board more refugees. I was surprised that there was any more room left since there seemed to be so many people on board already. Normally, I would have been curious to see what the Philippines looked like but it was late and the thought of maybe having less food and more cramped conditions created a dreary mood. I decided just to sleep this one out.
Three days later, we were about to end our trip and reach the island of Guam. There was a festive spirit in the air that night. The poor quality of the food was replaced by fresh fruits and canned foods and better-cooked rice. The large apples and oranges were passed out again reminiscent of the first night. I wondered if the sailors and cooks purposely saved some of the food until the end to leave a good impression on us when we left. Our family ate the food with great enthusiasm, but I could never forget the little food that was distributed during the week. It had been only one week and a day since we first boarded this cargo ship but time seemed to have slowed down. The unpleasant conditions and the emotional draining experiences made the trip felt much longer.
It wasn't until one o'clock that the anticipated lights from the Guam island were seen. It was still very dark to make out any details of the island. I was very tired from the late hour but the specs of lights forming the docking pier was an exciting sight. After getting off the ship, I felt relief and a sense of completion. It was nice to be on solid ground again. We formed a line which lead to a large green canvas military tent. Dirt and dust were everywhere and there were little if any paved ground on this island. Making our way across just a short distance on this island was quite an effort since the terrain was all dried dirt, which looked like it had just been plowed. The air seemed drier covered by the dust kicked up from people walking. The rough terrain along with the unfamiliarity made me feel like I was on an alien world. Entering the well-lit tent, there appeared to be more organization and less chaos compared to the ship. One family at a time was registered as they were asked for their name and age. They must have been prepared to take more people than just our ship since the amount of administrative clerks in this tent gave the impression of a large operation. The lines lead us from one military administrative clerk to another. The line that was dreaded the most however was the one for medical shots. Even kids older than me were yelling out of pain when they receive the shot in the arm. The line moved eerily fast. Instead of syringes, the nurses had handheld metallic guns which looked like futuristic space guns built with industrial strength. I felt like a small farm animal in a herd being shoved down this line without much knowledge about what was happening except for the sounds of sniffles and cries of the ones ahead. My body was shivering out of fear once I was pushed in front of the nurse. She quickly pushed my sleeve up and gave a single wipe with a cotton ball. I could not look but I could hear a mechanical pulsing sound from the pump of the gun. A sharp pain shot down my shoulders and then it was over. It happened all so quickly that there was little time to feel more of the pain. With one hand holding onto the cotton ball, I continued down the line sniffling like the rest. It seemed that I was the only one that was so frighten because my brothers and sisters did not display the same amount of pain and fear in their eyes after the shot.
We were issued some itchy wool blankets in the same dark green color that everything else seemed to be made out of and lead to our own tent. By the time we were finished with being initiated onto the island, it was so late that the itchy wool blankets did not feel so uncomfortable after all. We all squeezed into a small tent held down by some rope nailed down to the rough dirt ground. I feel asleep hoping that this was just temporary since cold dusty air and the flimsy tent were not what I looked forward to after the ship.
Thu-Thuy and I ventured out the next morning in search of food. There were food tents set up so we headed straight for them. Once arriving at the food distribution tent, we saw a line wrapping around the back of it. Making our way around the back, the line stretched farther than we could see. While unenthusiastically dragging my feet along the dirt to find the end of the line, I saw that my feet were scratched from the rough dirt. The Taiwanese made plastic sandals I was wearing were hanging on by a thin strand. Making our way over the final mound, we could see the end of the line. People in line seemed to have been standing since the break of dawn. They covered their noses and mouths with their hands and handkerchiefs. The wind was blowing up so much dust that my eyes were constantly tearing. I could see in the eyes of some of the children in line that their eyes were puffed from eye infections. As the line moved closer to the food tent, the warmth of the sun was beating down. It was strange to feel the contrast of the cold from the night before turn into a desert hot air. Thu-Thuy pointed out to me the cooks at the back of the tent as we approached them. She pointed out one black soldier in particular that was making the scrambled eggs. We didn't normally see black people so it was fascinating. He was a large built muscular cook mixing the powdered egg into a large steamy pot of liquid. He had taken off his stuffy green military shirt and was stirring vigorously with both arms. The heat of the day combined with the cooking stove made him sweat all over his forehead. When the line lead us right up to him, Thu-Thuy whispered to me that his sweat was dripping into the food mixture. She playfully tried to disgust me with this detail but I was so hungry that the scrambled eggs being churned out from this mixture looked extremely appetizing, sweat and all.
After the satisfying hot meal, Thu-Thuy wetted some of the napkins and covered my nose and mouth for the trip back. I could feel the filtering affect of the wet cloth help my breathing. It was visibly better as I had to refold the napkins, revealing the collected dirt.
More people arrived in the next couple of days to fill up the tents. More food distribution points were also set up to accommodate. Linh took me on an eating feast to take advantage of the multiple food tents. We would go from one tent, after stuffing ourselves, directly to the next closest one to stand in line again. The need to satisfy our hunger after the starving ship experience had pushed our views about food to the other extreme. We were trying to store up food so in case we ran out of food again, we could have this stored up in our system somehow.
Making our way across several camp areas, we saw many organizations working to assist the incoming waves of refugees. The Red Cross was the most noticeable since their red plus sign logo was displayed outside their tents. The Red Cross tents had loud speakers mounted on high poles announcing names. These announcements echoed through out all the camps during the day. I recalled Dung telling us that he went to the Red Cross to register our name to be announced over the loud speakers. The message was a simple one describing mother's name and that our family was looking for "Truong Tien Dat". We would listen for our announcement in the day hoping that our father would be among the thousands of other refugees and would respond. Although our announcements went on quite often, father never did answer.
After the third day, the paper work that we had done finally went through. We were going to be flown to the mainland of the United States. Dung and mother did all the paper work and they were given a choice of refugee camps in the states. Dung said we were signed up for two, one in California and one in Arkansas. He said that our first choice was California but he felt that it was just a matter of luck depending on space and where they decided to place us. In either case, we were happy to get off this dusty military outpost island.
The airport at Guam fascinated my older brother Dung. He had made many model airplanes at home but we were not able to see them in real life until that day at the airport. They put us on one of the largest passenger planes in the airport, Boeing 747. He was able to distinguish this plane from the other smaller passenger planes by it's tremendous size, the number of engines it had on its wings and its distinctive cockpit which bulged out of its fat fuselage like a bird's head. When the plane arrived, we were greeted by the several stewardesses and the captain. They were all dressed very formally in their uniforms. The captain had impressive stripes on his sleeves with little gold eagle medallions on his chest. Their smiles and courtesy were surprisingly close to what I had fantasized our trip was going to be like. I was amazed at the size inside with its multiple isles and even multiple decks in some areas. Dung examined the airport from the view of the window of the plane pointing out the various military carriers and bombers that were visible at the airport. None of the other planes matched the size of the Boeing 747 but there was a black and green camouflaged B-52 bomber that came close in size. It's wingspan was long and it's whole appearance looked powerful. Its fuselage was almost the size of the plane we were on so it was a scary thought that all that space carried destructive bombs.
The flight lasted several hours into the night. The plane landed in Honolulu Hawaii for re-fueling. The dark night disappointedly did not allow for any sight of the island. We shortly continued to fly further east. Along with the nuts that were periodically given out by the stewardesses, salads and packaged meals were also given out on this flight. There was little to do on the plane except eat. We finally arrived at California several hours after that. Instead of landing for good as we had anticipated, it was just another re-fueling stop. Apparently, Arkansas was our final destination.
We finally landed in the main airport of Little Rock, Arkansas. The airport in Little Rock was much more modern and impressive compared to the one on Guam. There was a lag between our flight and the final transport to the refugee camp. While waiting at the airport waiting area, there were a series of seats with little black and white Televisions attached to its armrest. After Thu-Thuy fiddled with an unoccupied one, she discovered that it required money to operate it which we did not have. Although there were other people sitting in these seats, not too many people bothered putting coins to watch the Television. Near the end of the isles of seats was an older gentleman mesmerized by the black and white images which casted different shades into his face and eyes. We immediately swarmed around behind his shoulders to view it as if we had never seen such a gadget. We had a large color Television at home but to see such a little one in a public place was amusing. The gentleman turned his large head twisting the fat of his neck and gave us a strange smirk. He was kind enough to share his little screen with five children peering behind him.
Thanh-Thuy saw a water fountain down the corridor. She came up to this strange water dispenser and pushed down the lever to evaluate how it worked. Standing on her tipsy toes, she had a mystified look on her face looking at the stream of water flow up in front of her face and then down to the drain. I came up to her asking if they had any cups around to catch the water so we could drink it. After looking underneath and around the faucet, we thought that maybe this was not for drinking. A few moments later, one of the people waiting in the television seats came up to the faucets and leaned down and sipped the water out of the fountain as if it was second nature. We approached again afterwards attempting to immediate. I was short and therefore it was difficult to catch the water at its peak of flow. I managed to sip half air and half water while it splattered down my chin. It felt like a waste since I was not able to catch all the water while it was flowing. "There must be a better way of drinking water." suggested Thu-Thuy after she tried it herself. Every little thing in this new environment was different, intriguing and foreign to us.
Dung recognized the next plane we took. It was a C-130 military carrier which was design to carry military personnel. The seating arrangements were much less comfortable than the 747. The seats looked like nets which did not really hold us sturdily from the harsh vibrations of the propellers engines. Once the engine started, it was difficult to hear yourself talk. There were additional straps made out of the same material that our seats were made out of, which held everyone in place. The jerking motion of the entire plane made my stomach turn. Once air bound, my motion sickness kicked in. I was experienced enough though to put myself to sleep which helped hold my stomach in place.
The C-130 shook abruptly waking me up once its wheels touched Fort Chaffe military airstrip. We did not travel a great distance but it was nighttime and the air was brisk in Fort Chaffe. There were more administrative formalities similar to the process in Guam. The first wooden barracks which processed some of the paper work had bowls of fruits on the side tables. When Dung and Thu-Thuy first saw the apples and oranges, which looked very much like the ones we enjoyed on the ship, they grabbed a couple more and pocketed them. I did the same since the open unattended bowlful of fruits were too tempting. We retained a scavenger mentality even though the atmosphere here was much more generous.
Soldiers wearing hard hats displaying the letters MP standing for military police escorted us in a dark green military jeep to our quarters. Driving though the camp we passed rows and rows of two story wooden buildings which looked all the same. This must be where the American soldiers reside and are trained. We stopped at an older wooden building with white paint chipping at the trimmings. Walking up the creaking wooden steps on the second floor, there were skinny long beds lined up against the walls and red linoleum floors. A strand of electrical wires hung across the ceiling sprouted clear bright light bulbs casting harsh shadows against the barren room. There were other families there scattered among different sections with little privacy. Wooden boards were assembled with some sheets to create separate rooms for the families. I felt that these conditions were comfortable relative to the tents of Guam.
There was a small cafeteria several buildings down from ours. Our entire family walked down the dimly lit paved road to find the "mess hall". Our spirits were lifted by the quiet and peaceful environment especially once we found the cafeteria. Thu-Thuy and mother were critiquing the fish dish of the night. Thu-Thuy knew that we could not ask for much luxury but it was entertaining comparing this to Vietnamese home cooking. The overly salted fish sat upon a bed of mush rice. Thu-Thuy was convinced after biting into it that "Americans" do not know how to prepare rice. Even though it was amusing criticizing the chef's food, we were thrilled and felt fortunate to each have a milk carton, individual butter slices and plentiful food. We ate as much as we could and stuffed some pieces of bread and fruits in our pockets on the way out. The scavenger mentality we had built up eroded slowly.
To overcome the boredom at Fort Chaffe, Linh made his own toys. Styrofoam cups from the cafeteria were the foundation material for most of the toys. His first creation was the toy car. Two Styrofoam cups of slightly different sizes where cupped against each other to form the body. Gerber baby food bottle caps were wheels held together by q-tips sticks as axles. Wings and sails made out of the flattened Styrofoam grew on top and the sides of the cars to power the cars against the wind. The variation of styles and options to these toys cars were limitless. I attempted to emulate what he had created so we could have race competitions with our wind-powered cars. It was extremely difficult making the cars move as quickly or making the cars as aesthetically pleasing as Linh's. With the addition of some rubber bands, the cars took upon a self-propelling power. This added rubber band technology inspired Linh's cars to evolve into helicopters. A week later, the heavy Gerber baby bottle wheels were dropped and propellers lifted these contraptions off the ground.
Dung created his own toys which drew attention from the entire neighborhood. By cutting out and flattening the Styrofoam cups with the aide of a heating iron, Dung glued pieces together to form airplanes resembling the real military carriers and jet planes. Not only did these model planes looked like real planes, they flew effortlessly across the large field behind our building. Constructing these toys engrossed both of my brothers for weeks. These past time activities fostered the fun spirit of being boys which seemed to have stagnated ever since the start of our trip.
Once in a while, there would be a showing of a movie within the camps. Film projectors were set up on the sides of the buildings so the image could be projected on the side with the least windows. Among many low budgets movies, the horror movies were the most popular of all. I tagged along with Thu-Thuy and a couple of her girlfriends to go to the showing of a scary movie across the field. She was especially anxious that night cracking jokes and giggling with her friends more than normal. I did not even give it a second thought until we were joined by a one of the handsome guys which she had been flirting with. The movie was the "Egyptian Curse". Most of the crowd did not understand the movie since it was in English but the scary images of the chopped off crawling hands were enough to arouse some screams and cringes. Sitting next to her newly met boyfriend, Thu-Thuy was enjoying her company along with the horror movie. Walking back across the field after the movie, Thu-Thuy was still reminiscing about to the whole experience. The conditions were not ideal for long-term friendships since refugees families moved in and out continuously. Although the setting was not perfect, Thu-Thuy was changing and growing into womanhood.
Trying to sleep on the hard bunk beds was a challenge sometimes. The image of the big dipper appeared in my nightmares repeatedly after the movie we saw. There was a reoccurring scene which showed the stars of the big dipper followed by frightening images. In the dark of these sleepless nights, I wondered if father was going to join us soon. The concept that he might not ever join us was a difficult one to grasp but it was one that I entertained since there seemed no peace and order in the world. There was an emptiness from his absence. I prayed for and dreamed that my father had received the messages that was left behind and that he would know where we were.
One warm summer afternoon, it was a miracle that my dream came true. There were messages passed on by our neighbors in the camp that Truong Tien Dat was in Fort Chaffe and he was arriving to meet us. Once the news reached our family, there was a short hesitation out of utter surprise but the joy quickly raced through everyone's hearts. He arrived at the steps appearing very gaunt and older. His experiences his escape must have been more harrowing than ours to have aged him so. "Did you get our messages in Guam which lead you here?", Dung inquired. "No", he responded, explaining that it was pure chance that he came to Fort Chaffe. It was only talking to the people in the camp that he found us. Of all the refugee camps he could have end up in, I felt that it was a miracle.
A separate room was set up for mother and father out of wooden boards but there was great distance between them. The reality became very different from my dreams. Father did join us but there were problems between them which were beyond my comprehension. Our family appeared to be whole with the father back together again. The neighbors had expressed there happiness for the reunion and it was convincing. On the surface, it was a picture of a happy family. The sadness in mothers' eyes however suggested that father's reunion was only a temporary one.
It was understood that the marriage was going to end soon since there was an announcement of a divorce in Vietnam. The trip was such the focus of our family's attention, that this issue was buried deep in the back of everyone' mind. This problem resurfaced in mother's deep depression for the next several days. One late afternoon, Dung walked into mother's room to see her drinking a bottle of rubbing alcohol. He was shocked and confused by her actions. This was not accident, she was purposely drinking this to inflict damage upon herself. There was not much that he could have done after seeing her swallow the contents of the entire bottle. He then ran out to the center room informing that mother was attempting suicide. Everyone scrambled looking for father. He rushed and asked for help after seeing mother was unconscious. A jeep marked MP abruptly arrive to take mother to the clinic. Father went along with her as they sped off on the jeep spraying the newly black paved asphalt dust into the faces of the overwhelmed five children.
They took father and mother to the clinic within Fort Chaffe at about nine o'clock that night. Before father could ascertain what was going to happen to her, she was evaluated by the clinic's doctor on duty and had her stomach pumped. Anything she ate or drank was taken out of her but it was too late, the alcohol had already entered her system. She then rested to heal. Still pale faced from the experience, father sat tentatively near by watching mother's condition progressively get worse throughout the night. She was slipping into a state of coma as it approached four o'clock the next morning. The concerned doctor decided that they did not have the proper care at that facility and decided to transport her to a larger hospital in Fort Smith. By the time father and mother arrived at the Fort Smith hospital, mother had fallen into a comma. There was an old white haired doctor that was assigned to mother's condition. Father felt that this doctor was much more wise and more experienced compared to the younger doctor in Fort Chaffe. The doctor methodically evaluated her pulse and checked her muscle reflexes to discover little response. Father grew more and more worried as she did not react to any of his tests throughout her entire body. Her pulse was faint and her eyes were also not responding to his pen flashlight. After several attempt to bringing her out of the comma, he consulted with father describing the seriousness of her condition and the drastic actions he was proposing to take. Father found it difficult to make any judgment in this situation and felt that there was not much of a choice so he agreed. Father watched perplexingly at his unusual method as the doctor slowly placed his thumbs over her eyelids. He then slowly pressed down pushing her eyeballs deep into her skull while looking up and down her body for any reactions. He went deeper and deeper waiting for a response. Her whole body suddenly went into convulsions and she entered a slight shock. The doctor released his thumbs noting her condition. This pivotal point of her life had given her a second chance. Mother gained consciousness later that morning and was driven back to Fort Chaffe. She stayed at the clinic in Fort Chaffe under intensive care for a couple days to heal.
Dung walked back into the house emotionless, leading the group back into the complex. We all sat down in an eerie silence. We were scattered in our little room facing each other yet staring only inches in front of our faces. Everyone was hoping that the next person would say something wise which would shed some light on the events, but the room was filled with silence. It felt as if the spirit in each and every one of us were taken away. Ever since the beginning of the trip, it had been difficult and chaotic. What made the trip possible and the driving force and determination to move on was mother. Her actions were very disturbing and I was very confused and hurt at the same time. The group dispersed into the normal routine of going to bed. Getting cleaned up and ready for bed seemed so ordinary that night that it felt like we did not register the events or we were denying what had happened. With frightening thoughts of what could happen to mother and with father not there that night, the only thing that kept my sanity was what little strength I could find within myself.
The overhang in the rear of the building was infested by all kinds of interesting life forms. A bulging wasp's nest hung over the rear steps making it an unpopular passageway. Closer to the corner, there was a bird's nest with little birds which had recently hatched several little chirping baby birds. I sat on the steps looking over the neighborhood boys playing marbles in a patch of dirt in the grassy fields where I used to play. Somehow, nothing seemed to spark any interest in a game of marbles. The momentary squeaky chirps of the baby birds caught my eager eyes like a cat. I could see the oldest baby leaning its head out of the nest. It was trying to break free of its comfortable warm nest which protected it from the cool afternoon breeze. To my surprise, the little creature leaped off its nest trying to flap its little baby feathers yet falling straight down. My heart leaped out along with the descent of the bird, fearing for its death once it hit the ground. The bird landed on the grass knocking it into a daze. I ran over to see if it was still alive. It was barely able to walk but it survived the fall. Taking the bird upstairs, I settled it into a homemade nest made out of cloth and placed it near the light, keeping its trembling body warm.
The next couple of days, I fed it dried bread and water and saw its feathers mature. It was not gaining the strength that I had anticipated however. Perhaps the fall had hurt it or maybe it was sick from the lack of its mother's nourishment, I could not figure it out. If it were to stay cooped up in this homemade nest, it would waste away. The next day, I felt it was time to let it face the wild. I somehow could not face seeing it die in my presence. Placing the bird in the middle of the large field in the back, I walked back to the house hearing it chirps for the last time. I came out to the balcony barely visibly making the bird out in the field. It was struggling to run and fly in the thick grass. Tears came out while I wished for its mother to come and take care of it. After about twenty minutes of staring into the field, there came a couple of adults cutting across the field walking in the direction of the bird. I hoped they couldn't see the bird so it could be free. To my dismay, they stopped and picked up the bird. I was heart broken to see them steal the bird away.
That evening mother came back from the hospital. She was still very sick but it was good to feel her close again. It took a little time but she was soon able to join us and eat solid food from the cafeteria again. It was strange how difficult it was while mother was away but after a week or so, I had forgotten what had happened and we continued as life went on.
• • •
The wind howled through the cracks of the window on a late evening. The rain persisted for several hours similar to the tropical rains which were so common back where we came from. The strength of the winds and the amount of rain however felt different. The large raindrops tapped on the windowpanes like pebbles of rock. It was puzzling to hear the hardness of the raindrops. I walked down the hall to the balcony for a better view of this storm. There were already a couple of the neighbors' boys gazing out the porch door engrossed in a trance. "What is going on out there?" I asked the two boys. "Look, there is ice on the grass!", one of them followed in amazement. I peered between their shoulders to see a teenager dancing underneath the porch light with his bare feet. He was holding his hands over his head to shelter himself from the falling ice. "He must be crazy freezing himself in the ice", the boy commented. I agreed while seeing the little pebbles of ice get bigger, bouncing off the surface of the porch. The field soon turned glassy white as the teenager ran inside for refuge. Although it seemed dangerous being outside, I was fascinated by the ice and could almost understand the desire to experience it by running out. More people crammed toward the porch trying to make out what must have been normal in these parts but was so unfamiliar and strange for us.
Dung, Linh and I often went to the recreation center to play ping-pong. Without school as the structure of our daily routine, the recreation center was like a second home. I followed in Dung's footsteps weaving through several divisions of building complexes. The recreation center was a huge metallic cylindrical edifice. It was a popular place and the people flowed in and out the front opening like ants. As we got closer, there was a group of soldiers in training that jogged across the field in front of us. They marched in a single file chanting a repetitive series of meaningless words in cadence with each step. Some of the soldiers had guns strapped over their shoulders. We stopped to watch them cut across the fields between us and our destination. As they faded away over the hills, I continued walking without giving a second thought to the soldiers since it was not a rare occurrence that we saw soldiers in training.
The summer's warmth was fading now that we were nearing it's end. The brisk wind got colder than any winter I could recall in Vietnam. Before we started to enter the recreation center, I commented, "the cold is sure different from where we came from, isn't it". Dung broke out of his thoughts to gather my words. He looked across the fields where the soldiers disappeared and then down at me to say, "Actually, some things are very similar." I did not understand what he had meant at first since my train of thought was on a different plane from his. "What do you mean similar, everything here is very different." I pondered. "The soldiers and the guns, that is what seems familiar". I finally understood what he was talking about after a few moments of mulling over his words.
At the end of the field across the road was a church we went to every Sunday. My sister had on their bright dresses and my brothers wore white shirts. This particular trip to the church was a ceremony for my first communion. The church was where we went every Sunday to pray but I did not fully understand the significance of it. I recalled from pictures of Dung's communion that he held in his hands a clear plastic box filled with colorful candies. He was the center of attention with mother standing behind him looking proud. The ceremony this time also seemed very important. It was officialized by the priest and I was supposed to be able to feel closer to God but rather, I anticipated the box of candies.
During the days leading to the communion, father had persuaded me to pray to God so that we would be sponsored by a refugee relief organization which would allow us to leave Fort Chaffe. After several months in Fort Chaffe, getting out was on everyone's mind. Father had been working on the papers for quite sometime and we had to wait for the right organization to sponsor us in the location mother and father felt was most suitable. With father's persistence that I should pray for the savior of the family, the whole communion felt like a test. My passing grade was based upon whether we would be able to move out of this camp. This pressure along with my own desire for the well being of our family lead to many personal prayers in the front seats close to the alter of the church.
Several days after the communion, father received news that our family was sponsored by organizations in Oklahoma and Texas. This was not good news however since father was determined that our destination be California. It was disappointing but shortly after, we heard that another church group in Northern California had sponsored our family. I was unsure whether my praying had affected the outcome but it didn't seem to matter since we were on our way to California.
The excitement swept the entire family once again for another journey. It seemed quite a while since we were able to move so Thanh-Thuy was prepared for this trip. We did not have suitcases for everyone so Thanh-Thuy meticulously made her personalized suitcase out of cardboard boxes. Creating the pattern out of her own imagination, she cut and sown together a small rectangular suitcase with a handle resembling a real leather kind. Various colorful fabric and yarn was decorated on the exterior hiding the cardboard interior. Thanh-Thuy carried her precious belongings in this suitcase all the way to the Dallas airport. We were greeted by the stewardesses filled with smiles. They passed out candies to all of us children. Thanh-Thuy held on to hers saving it in her suitcase so she could savor it later in the trip. It felt like an adventure trip once again.
It was a cool September night when we arrived Oakland airport. We were greeted by some members from the Methodist church group in Kensington who sponsored us. There were Bob and Jean Brown, and John and Ester Esly. They walked us to their car and Bob went to the trunk to pull out some stuffed animals. He handed me a beautiful black cat with a white furry chest and green eyes. While hugging the stuffed animal, I could feel the love and generosity of these individuals and their church. The sense of generosity continued to flourish as they took us to our apartment in Berkeley. The apartment was fully carpeted. This was very unusual and luxurious since we had never lived in a carpeted home before. There were utensils in the kitchen drawers, dishes in the cabinet, sheets on the bed in the bedroom and even some clothes in the dresser. The amount of care that was taken to assemble such an apartment was astounding. My heart was filled with joy running through each room peeking into all the closets and cupboards to find a pleasant surprise with each discovery.
Mother and father were thanking Bob and Jean Brown profusely since they were pleasantly surprised themselves. Father's English was good enough to converse with complete comprehension. I did not understand what he was saying but there was something definitely wrong in the content of their conversation. There was a seriousness and concerned look in Bob's and Jean's expressions. Their voices raised at moments out of surprise and even anger. The conversation carried on for a while with many words describing many details which continuously surprised the Browns. They later left the apartment solemnly after reaching some kind of agreement with father.
The joy and laughter among us checking all the gifts we had received in the apartment died down once father described to mother that he was leaving. Mother was very emotionally shaken by his actions but she had already expected that this was going to happen. Father picked up the phone to finalize his flight which he had discussed with Bob and Jean Brown. Father seemed very fatigued from the entire experience himself. He looked at the rotary phone not able to dial the number which he had planned to do. His fingers shook and his eyes stared blankly over the phone. His sadness and shame had taken such a hold of his mind that there was a lapse before he was able to make the phone call.
Father leaving that night ended the connection he had with the family. I was emotionally overloaded. The new apartment and life that we were about to embark on was filled with inspiration demonstrated by the sponsors who made it come true. At the same time, father leaving broke the family structure we once had. I felt pained, angered and a sense of betrayal. It was too difficult to handle all of the events that first night in Berkeley so it was easier to shut off thoughts of father and cover myself with the sweater, large rubber rain-boots and raincoats found in the closets.
One afternoon, the sponsors came by to take us out for a meal. It was kind of them to introduce us to some of the aspects of American culture. We were driven to a restaurant close to our apartment. It was a colorful place filled with orange, red, blue and brown all over it's chairs, tables and wall decorations. It was impressively clean with uniformed workers moping and cleaning as we entered the store. There were many other families there also of different ethnically. It was fascinating seeing black families and white families spread through out the seats of the restaurant. With the amount of people in the restaurant, I had anticipated this to be a real good meal. The food came on a plastic tray lined by a cartooned paper with each of it's foods packaged in either paper or Styrofoam. The sandwich that was ordered from the picture shown at the line seemed appetizing. Once I opened the Styrofoam container however, the rounded bread was much smaller and deflated compared to the picture. The dull brown appearance of the meat also was misleading by the colored advertisement. There was a rectangular cherry pie accompanying the meal held in a beautifully cherry-pictured paper sleeve. Taking my first bight, the heat burned my tongue at the same time the sweetness scorched my throat. In attempt to dilute the concentrated sweetened dessert, I washed it down with the cold Coca-Cola drink. The icy drink did calm the burn but the sweetness added to the overwhelmingly sweetened dessert. With my face reddened by the coughing scratch in my throat, I chewed down the rest of the dull colored sandwich to smother the sweets. Looking across the table, I could see that other patrons of the restaurants were comfortably enjoying their meal without such a throat scorching experience. I also noticed that they were not savoring the food and its flavor but instead, it seemed as if they were all in a contest to see who could push their sandwiches down their mouths the quickest. Walking out of the restaurant with it's yellow "M" logo displayed next to the misleading advertisement, I felt that the food was mediocre and did not live up to my expectations.
With the little English that she knew, Thu-Thuy thanked the sponsors for all of us once they dropped us back at our apartment. Along with all the wonderful gifts in the apartment, there was a little box filled with plastic toy figures. There were animal figures and man and woman figures. The dark green rug in the apartment was the perfect terrain for these figures to come alive. Linh and I sat the figures up and knocked them down with other figures or with rubberbands. We made up new games to play with as we went along, just like we used to do. I had set up five figures protecting their property. The five figures had to overcome other figures and rubber band shots in its journey. These five figures were like a continuation of the story Dung used to tell us in the attic of our house in Saigon.
The more games Linh and I created and played, the more I had forgotten about the turbulence of the past year. It felt that the child inside was hindered but continued its growth again. The spirit of us five children in the attic taking upon any challenge and overcoming any adversity lives on.
